Posted: September 1, 2011 in a lonely journey, what makes us tick

Life is a series of realizations, and this blog has turned into a place of documenting mine. Today I’ve realized something new. It’s another old truth that all of a sudden has started making sense…

For a while — at least for 10 years — I’ve been waiting for a moment that for the lack of a better term I’ve been calling Awakening. It’s a moment when everything will become crystal clear. When I will no longer doubt my life’s purpose. When sticking to any decision will be as easy as making it. When every moment of my life will become rich beyond imagination. I’ve never known how — and if — I would ever get to that state, but I’ve never doubted that it getting there is possible. So I’ve been searching for ways to get there, going through some false awakenings, experiencing some glimpses of bright clarity only to realize later that it wasn’t it. I’ve learned to use every failure as a stepping stone and to treat every experience as a part of my path. But today I realized something that changes the whole notion of Awakening.

Awakening is not possible, at least not in a way I’ve been imagining it. Life will never be easy. Sticking to a decision will never be effortless. Doubts about my goals in life will never go away. I will always be the same searching, questioning, doubting human. But what I can get is strength. Strength to stick to my decisions, strength to face — and live with — every choice I make, strength to fully embrace the constant uncertainty that we call life. And that strength — like any strength — can’t be obtained in a moment. It can’t be obtained without an effort. It has to be built. Built with every choice, with every action, day after day, year after year.

And maybe, just maybe, this realization in itself is the closest thing to Awakening that I will ever experience.

  1. This is something I have come to accept as well. My life has never been easy (although I’ve had a few peaceful moments) and I never expect it to me. I just have to accept that the hard stuff makes me stronger for the next challenge and just keep moving forward. Besides if everything came too easy, life might actually get boring. 🙂


    • renee777 says:

      Strength is BUILT like a MUSCLE that is BUILT and gets STRONGER as we use it! It hurts like hell at first when you use a muscle you haven’t used before! But it’s only for a day or 2, then it doesn’t hurt anymore and the REWARD of that 2 days pain!

      No pain – No Gain!! That’s how LIFE works! And the hardest part is not the pain, but people whom I’ve personally given my 100% trust to, who have betrayed that trust I generously offered because I believed their words or their intentions being good!

      Recent example is a person I left with $5,000 worth of my personal furniture and TV and other items when I had to move to another state! We had agreed that I should not sell my furniture because he liked it and offered to buy all of it. But at the time, he said he did not have the money. So I gave him my forwarding PO Box address and agreed for him to mail me whatever he had each week! THREE months has gone by and this person has not only not sent me a DIME for my furniture, but he will not even return my phone calls.

      I have shared this story with a few people who told me for the 1,000th time that I am too nice and I should not trust people’s words when it comes to money!!

      I have given up trying to reach this person for the past 4 weeks! At first, he was responding with, I will send you a part of it. And then, I never heard from him again!

      You would think that I should have learned my lesson with trusting ppl’s promises!! I had many ppl come look at my furniture who offered to buy the TV and my keyboard and other items, but this person told me that he was going to buy it and I trusted his words!!

      Many times I wonder why do I trust people and why they turn on their words! I am not perfect but I never go against my words! Only unless I have an emergency and then I let the person know why I am canceling a promise I had made!

      I told this to someone the other day who told me I should take this person to court because it was WRONG and they should be punished and learned their lesson!

      I have not filed anything and I don’t think I want to go that route! But the point is that yes, action is far greater than words and they did not act on their words! I usually do not take justice on ppl. I let it go and let God deal with the situation and teach the lessons that he wants that person to learn and usually sooner or later, they do! But it’s not my place to do it! I give certain people my trust and kindness, and when they abuse it, I have to end the friendship! Trust is a LOAN that is given and I’ve given out so many LOANS that I’ve gotten BROKE and I have to help myself now so I don’t end up homeless and barren from all I’ve give away! It sucks but I still believe there are good people out there who would not abuse it and reciprocate!! I am not a celebrity, if I was, I would probably not face this kind of dilemma. Maybe another kind, b/c celebs are gods to most ppl, they want to be around them and usually will not abuse that privilege!!

      But I have met other ppl who are GIVERS, not the TAKERS and they tell me they also had things like this happen! But I’m afraid it’s happened to me way more than it should have and it is only because I want to see the good in people!

      I don’t know what the answer is. But I hope I don’t meet ppl who are TAKERS anymore towards ME! They may be pretending to be givers to the rest of the world! But then they encounter me and become TAKERS! I suppose because I am the one GIVING and they sit back and TAKE! I have not found the answer to this yet! But hopefully I will find the friend who is a giver and I won’t have to worry about all the “so called” friends who took or wronged me anymore!!


  2. Psychicsarah says:

    V interesting and admirable realisations about our human need to weather life & stay strong… I think we can all identify with this feeling if *will we ever get there* (that place) ….

    I sometimes wonder if *awakening* is not some elaborate commendable realisation….but is in fact the *acceptance* that it it is okay to just B….to be vulnerable….to not have the answers….to be able to modify choices and decisions if needs be… To go with the flow (whatever that may be)….to not be so damn hard on oneself all the time… To realise that perhaps one had taken one too mdmy vows of *perfection* which actually stunt ones ability to achieve and adapt as needs be???

    The opening of our hearts is perhaps the most profound *awakening* there can be? Heartfelt compassion and forgiveness for ourselves as well as others is the most difficult thing in the world (we are hardest on ourselves and would forgive others in a heartbeat tha stuff we just don’t forgive ourselves)

    So I just wanna say …*Awaken* to the realisation that while none of us would survive without displays of strength…. The mist liberating thing is knowing that vulnerability is our secret weapon in life …. An open heart is a conscious awakened heart… It does not have to be *strong* … simply *authentic* (whatever that is!)


    • sorry about typos…I phone hell!

      #justbe #everythingisequalundertheheavens

      …it is only we who put sooooo much internal pressure on ourselves to be *perfect* high achievers in all aspects of life !

      …we would probably get further if we *flowed* #likewatermyfriend …but of course this is NOT the same thing as *drifting* …we need some strength and drive to get things done

      ….just remember though that in matters of the heart *Vulnerability* is everything…. strength and drive do not always serve us well with the ❤


  3. Anonymous says:

    Don’t you think that being human (I’m talking the physical body that has 5 universally known senses) is also incorporated in this “awakening” feeling you speak of? That even though you expect to feel a rush of “metaphysical” feelings or vibration, that your human body is equally important in making an “awakening” happen? Should we all actually ignore our minds in all of this? I don’t mean you need to be a mensa member, but someone who knows how to do the most basic human behaviors. Knowing how to just “be”. “Being” in a way that doesn’t directly hurt others, but still gets you where you ultimately feel most yourself – comfortable. That can happen at any time you let yourself “be”/be. When you have constant (internal) struggle with what others’ tell you or will think is when you can’t possibly be “being”, right?
    If you ask yourself at any given moment, “Am I “being” or am I actually worrying about something that can’t be readily fixed?” When you get to that point and start appreciating what’s there infront of you, and maybe even look at or feel differently about how things are “being” around you, is when you don’t have to look towards something else to feel alive and awake. It just happens.


  4. Anonymous says:

    “Just dance, gonna be OK”


  5. Anonymous says:

    Let’s hear it for “emotional muscle”. Life is so perfect. It keeps confronting us with opportunities to build our character and devotion to what we believe; chances to discover what we are really made of. (Grist for the mill) The more we take these opportunities on, the stronger and more powerful we become. (Grist for the mill) It certainly is NOT for the faint of heart. We can run, but we can never hide and the absolute TRUTH is , eventually, we all have to take this journey.

    Thanks for being you unmaskd. You have been very brave to attempt to be so honest and real on this site.


  6. you know says:

    Your honesty is unnerving
    Your courage is unswerving
    Your search is unending
    Your love of life is magnetic


  7. Anonymous says:

    It was about September 2006 when my psychics teacher explained to us the 9/11 attacks. How it destroyed so much. No other way to describe other than bonechilling. How well plot out, but also simple (coming into an angles like that). But the feeling that indecent it left nationwide, the worry and just the sense of not “being”, the anxiousness for something to happen. Even uglier.
    If we could just get that back, but better, that is when the world can start to sigh.
    Psychics professor ended up moving out to Vegas before I graduated btw. She was great at just “being”.


  8. Anonymous says:

    She was probably that too.


  9. Anonymous says:

    Wait until you fall in love with the one right for you. She/he might just make all the hemming and hawing fall away. Hopefully she/he will keep you engaged enough so that you never lose your curiosity, your thirst for new horizons. Hopefully you’re open enough to let it in… And soft enough to grow anew. Sometimes we get so set in our ways down the line as we age, and it becomes hard to reconcile adjusting our lives for others.
    Sounds like you want to have your loneliness and love ’em too…


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