I have found myself in a tight spot, though majority of people would not see anything dramatic about my present circumstances. Even I can easily imagine a much worse situation than the one I’m currently in. It does not involve health, crimes, poverty or tragedy. It simply involves wasting moment by moment my life — and being unable to change anything about it. The worst part of being in this situation is knowing fully well that it is a direct result of the decisions I’ve been taking very consistently throughout my life, starting with teenage years. The hole where I’m finding myself in is a very logical outcome of these decisions, and it’s amazing that it took to so long to get where I’ve gotten.
Throughout my entire life I’ve been consistently disconnecting my self-declared values from my actions. I’ve been believing in courage, while behaving like a complete coward on many occasions. I’ve been a strong believer in doing what’s right — and consistently taking the path of least resistance. I’ve been certain that I have a free will — and yet acting like a dysfunctional robot, wasting hours and days procrastinating over simplest challenges. I’m a solid case of the most pathetic sort of liar — one who successfully lies to himself.
But what I’ve been good at is putting on masks. Yes, there have been many of them. I’ve been good at pretending someone I’m not. An expert, a brave man, someone with strong values, a success story, a self-respecting man. The list goes on and on. But no matter how well I played these roles, I’ve been a fake for the most part of my life. A fake through and through — and knowing it.
Now I’m simply reaping the rewards of my consistency. Yes, I’ve done some things I’m proud of. Yes, I have some accomplishments behind me that are worth pointing at and saying “I did this and it’s good.” But these rare examples only show how much I’m capable of. Capable to create — and yet incapable to make real. Yes, I have reasons for not doing more than I’ve done. Good, solid reasons. But they are only excuses. I know I didn’t do my best. I know that I didn’t go for it with everything I’ve got. Heck, I didn’t go for it with half of what I’ve got. I know that I’ve been a coward.
Trying and failing is tiring, but manageable. I could live with this. But it’s being a fake that I’m ultimately tired of. Fake and weak. You get used to living with regrets about your past. You can’t get used to living with regrets about your future.
Ever since I became Unmaskd I’ve had a single rule: no bullshit. I don’t lie in posts in any way, shape or form, even though sometimes it’s so tempting. And yet this picture is still deceptive. It only shows my strength. It doesn’t show my weakness. And I’m not going to let it become another fake mask. I have enough of those. From this point on Unmaskd exists only as long as I’m capable of being the best I can be. The moment I willingly take the path of least resistance Unmaskd will cease to exist. This is my promise to myself and to all of you.
I’ve been lying to myself my entire life. It’s time to get real.