Unmaskd: It All Ends/Starts Here

Posted: August 28, 2012 in a lonely journey

This is going to be a strange post, even by Unmaskd’s standards. It will cause some disillusionment. It will cause some confusion. And yet it is necessary.

I have found myself in a tight spot, though majority of people would not see anything dramatic about my present circumstances. Even I can easily imagine a much worse situation than the one I’m currently in. It does not involve health, crimes, poverty or tragedy. It simply involves wasting moment by moment my life — and being unable to change anything about it. The worst part of being in this situation is knowing fully well that it is a direct result of the decisions I’ve been taking very consistently throughout my life, starting with teenage years. The hole where I’m finding myself in is a very logical outcome of these decisions, and it’s amazing that it took to so long to get where I’ve gotten.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been consistently disconnecting my self-declared values from my actions. I’ve been believing in courage, while behaving like a complete coward on many occasions. I’ve been a strong believer in doing what’s right — and consistently taking the path of least resistance. I’ve been certain that I have a free will — and yet acting like a dysfunctional robot, wasting hours and days procrastinating over simplest challenges. I’m a solid case of the most pathetic sort of liar — one who successfully lies to himself.

But what I’ve been good at is putting on masks. Yes, there have been many of them. I’ve been good at pretending someone I’m not. An expert, a brave man, someone with strong values, a success story, a self-respecting man. The list goes on and on. But no matter how well I played these roles, I’ve been a fake for the most part of my life. A fake through and through — and knowing it.

Now I’m simply reaping the rewards of my consistency. Yes, I’ve done some things I’m proud of. Yes, I have some accomplishments behind me that are worth pointing at and saying “I did this and it’s good.” But these rare examples only show how much I’m capable of. Capable to create — and yet incapable to make real. Yes, I have reasons for not doing more than I’ve done. Good, solid reasons. But they are only excuses. I know I didn’t do my best. I know that I didn’t go for it with everything I’ve got. Heck, I didn’t go for it with half of what I’ve got. I know that I’ve been a coward.

Trying and failing is tiring, but manageable. I could live with this. But it’s being a fake that I’m ultimately tired of. Fake and weak. You get used to living with regrets about your past. You can’t get used to living with regrets about your future.

Ever since I became Unmaskd I’ve had a single rule: no bullshit. I don’t lie in posts in any way, shape or form, even though sometimes it’s so tempting. And yet this picture is still deceptive. It only shows my strength. It doesn’t show my weakness. And I’m not going to let it become another fake mask. I have enough of those. From this point on Unmaskd exists only as long as I’m capable of being the best I can be. The moment I willingly take the path of least resistance Unmaskd will cease to exist. This is my promise to myself and to all of you.

I’ve been lying to myself my entire life. It’s time to get real.

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Comments
  1. Woah this was something to get in the IN box!

    And wow it is honest…

    I won’t be doing it justice in this response… but just to say… everything is just PERFECT as it is….

    Let me explain ~ There are no mistakes… You have NEVER made any mistakes. YOU were always right in what you thought, said and did. Imagine what you could do if you finally realised this is TRUE??? The reason I am saying this is because what we resist persists. You perhaps would benefit from getting to a place of FULL ACCEPTANCE so that undesirable patterns shift and don’t repeat on you (the Groundhog Day of Procrastination). All this acceptance, so that the future IS so very different from the past. So you are not looking back over your shoulder in a couple of years and writing the same thing

    (I REALLY don’t think you will be by the way) …

    Acceptance of what is and what has been will alllow you to create the future you are putting out for…Maybe try to recognise everything that has happened has been your friend? Embrace it all?

    It is perhaps not a case of letting go or release of the past at all… but a case of letting everything IN.

    Everything is okay…always has been …always will be. You were born perfect with the full consciousness you require for this life time… life then is just a way of shining your light in the darkness… for a light can not shine without the darkness to illuminate it.

    SO I guess all the things you feel you didn’t do? or could have done better? or should have done? All these are one and the same and can be included along side the things you actually DID (good and bad). I know this sounds a bit lame and perhaps a bit of a cop out and perhaps a bit too ZEN like lol… But I feel it is a principle that will work? It give the path of least resistance another meaning perhaps… to approach things like this. With FULL acceptance. Acceptance of what is and gratitude for the same… Wow I mean you couldn’t have had these realizations without everything that has gone before…So that is surely something to be grateful for.

    I will think carefully about what you wrote…I am sure there is so much more to say.

    As for unmaskd… You say you have deliberately not lied or been misleading as an unmaskd policy.Well that is of course a good thing lol… And if true, it does in fact indicate you HAVE been real in this situation…ie) not a fake. So in this respect I am a bit puzzled by what you are saying. Since you are apparently achieving already what you set out to do here. I guess if the temptation comes in to be misleading or to lie… well then , yes, that should be that in your mind with all this. But if it hasn’t happened after all this time? I very much doubt that it will suddenly happen now… ie) that temptation to be misleading or to lie…

    ANy one who writes as honestly as that is not fake. OKay you may not feel your reaults or actions measure up to what you know you are capable of? So many identify with that….it is the burden of living in a physical body and reality… one in which we also have to be practical. Yet you are absolutely RIGHT…our capacity to be so much more as humanoids is IMMENSE… we only function on 2/12th of our brain capacity allegedly!! (or some such stat) … So yes..tapping into being all we can be is never ever wrong! As you say it is ALL ABOUT THE FUTURE

    I know I havent done the subjects you raise justice and have probs veered off on a tangent…but this was what came to mind on a first read ..

    Never say *I am only human* seems to be the under tone… and that is right…saying that is an excuse and we are indeed SOoooo much more than that would imply…ie ) DIvine infinite beings who are capable of HUGE miracles and creativity in our lives… and through out lives,…

    That is one never say never! Never say *I am only human* …it was my weakness that made it happen that way… Indeed I think that is exactly what you ARE saying here..You are sensing your personal power and coming into a full blown expresion of that…I would predict very soon!

    Like

  2. L says:

    “But it’s being a fake that I’m ultimately tired of. Fake and weak.” If you view the masked characters as weak, why use them? They make you and those you love feel bad. A lose/lose situation.

    “It only shows my strength. It doesn’t show my weakness. And I’m not going to let it become another fake mask. I have enough of those.”

    …To stay true to unmasked, you must show both strengths and weaknesses to others. A true friend accepts both. Get rid of the fakes and get real. Be honest with yourself and those you love. Honesty IS the best policy.

    Like

  3. Sali says:

    Lessons in love, trust, and redemption are among the most difficult. Especially when laced with the worse poison -lies and deception.

    Like

  4. Ashley says:

    All very good comments here so far, and I have nothing really to add except to express my belief in you. I know you can do it, if it’s what you really want and have set your mind to.
    You can do it..I know it..all these people know it.
    Prove it to yourself.
    But you’ll never truly know if you don’t try.
    🙂

    Like

  5. Me says:

    Yes, self discipline is important, but so is self-forgivenss. I hope you are doing this. ❤ To me, you, and all of us, are here to spread the message of love, healing and forgiveness. There are multitudes of things we could either hang our hats on and say proudly "See, this is who I am." or say, "God, I'm such a loser. I'm so ashamed of myself." To me, this is a battle of the ego. Then there is who you are… a radiant soul, here to teach healing and love. Love yourself.

    Like

  6. Chrissie says:

    I believe in you. 🙂

    Like

  7. hidekosakura says:

    whatever are ur plans for the future , the only thing i can say is good luck with this new journey that u want to start , hope ur have the straight to face the ghosts from ur your past and make peace with them , so you can make it real all the plans you have in ur mind for ur future and achieve ur entire potential and with that u find what ur looking for ans still dont know what it is .

    Like

  8. Dawn says:

    A pathetic, cowardly, dysfunctional robot would not have written this post. In fact, this post sounds remarkably like the Unmaskd of old. When you first became Unmaskd, you did point out your weaknesses like the fact that you didn’t always give 100%l and that the real you was hiding behind a mask of lies. However, you also pointed out the ways you were improving. There was a balance of the positive and the negative. You chatted about nonsense at 2:00 am, posted travel pictures, talked about the good things and complained about the bad. You gave advice when asked and took it when needed. But things have changed.

    I think over the last year or so, it seems you’ve lost the “Unmaskd Way.” Somewhere between the online world and your offline life, you lost the guy you were trying to be. Just go back to being who you were in the beginning, to that guy who was sick of “giving a fuck” about what everyone else thought of him (your words not mine), do the best you can do for you and remember you aren’t perfect. We all have our weaknesses, we all screw up, we all hide behind our own masks from time to time…realize your mistakes, do what you can to fix them and move on. Dwelling will only make you angry and miserable. Dwelling accomplishes nothing. You know what you have to do, now go do it.

    Like

  9. Emma says:

    As Sari said, that certainly was something to get in my inbox!!
    No. 1 Love it – go hardcore!
    No. 2 While going hardcore, remember to also let your head take it easy and chill from time to time!
    No. 3 You have chosen a very interesting path and I think you should share your results in some form. I’m sure this whole experience would make a great book!

    Like

  10. Sunshine says:

    If I could give this a name, I’d call it Pinocchio Syndrome with the lies and wanting to be real. (Apparently Pinocchio Syndrome already exists as a psychological term, a medical term, a novel, a band, etc.). Imagine a world where every time we lied (whether to ourselves or others) an external indicator revealed a lie occurred–even for the most miniscule deception or negative response be it our noses growing or some other indicator for others to see that we lied. (It is by measuring ourselves against others in a society that we determine where we fit in and yes, even if others are not aware of our lies or masks, we still measure ourselves because of the inherent sense of right and wrong within us). The result would be a lot of long noses/external indications that we’re not perfect and had imperfect thought qualifying as a lie–as I’ve said before, it all stems from our thoughts and we have no way of controlling our brains 100% of the time because if we did that would be the very thing that makes us like robots or computers. Not being puppets on strings with controlled actions, our free will makes us real. A lack of lies would seem to be the answer to being real but it’s not–love is and I’ll explain what I mean later. Our imperfection and everything we do and say has an effect to one degree or another in this world (affecting ourselves, others, our environment, etc.).

    I think this is a battle of positive vs. negative. We have natural desires for positive outcomes–for positivity in every aspect of our lives (to be positive and viewed as positive) so when our thoughts or actions are negative (whether they go against the grain of society, what others think or our ideals), it causes opposition in our head. It comes down to acceptance. We have to decide if we accept ourselves and if who we are (our thoughts and our actions) is acceptable to others also. This too, may cause opposition if you accept something but another doesn’t. So you ask yourself, “who am I living my life for?”–remember “you can’t please everyone so you’ve got to please yourself” (not hedonistically but in a healthy balanced way doing what is right for you). If the human body is designed to constantly be working toward homeostasis (balance), it would make sense to conclude balance to be the natural way to live emotionally and spiritually too. If the earth was designed with a perfect ecosystem, shouldn’t we work within our individual lives to make an impact daily to restore the imbalance and reduce our destructive habits affecting the life of our earth? If a person loses their balance, they fall. If a budget is not balanced it causes debt. Maybe the key you are looking for is balance. My definition of balance is regularly putting in the good and removing the bad. This really is the basic design to achieve balance in all things. In writing and speaking, the way the brain works, saying something like “don’t forget to…” will make the brain focus on “forget to…”, but if you say “remember to…”, the brain is more likely to “remember to…”. It’s helpful in many statements to eliminate the negative and replace it with a positive.

    Take all of the aspects of your life that you struggle with and make a separate graph for each part with Major Events on the X axis and on the Y axis Beliefs in one color and Actions in another color for each event in a sequential timeline with zero being negative and 100 being positive. You could label one graph family, one friends, one girlfriends, one career, etc. Then look for the patterns in the parts of your life to help find where you need to see change. I just thought of this graph idea, so I don’t know if it would be helpful or not, but just like Kurt Vonneguts graph you shared, it applies to your life story, who you are and what you stand for–dissecting your life in a graph may prove useful. I’ve always liked the quote, “if you don’t stand for something you’ll fall for anything”. This ties in nicely with your quote “you don’t know how weak you are until you fall. You don’t know how strong you are until you get up.” Stand and be who you are!

    You refer to a much worse situation as if you feel guilty to have this problem when there are people with far worse problems when you have so much to be thankful for. Beating yourself up over mistakes and regrets just keeps you down for the count, but then the emotions don’t have to be dealt with. Stop beating yourself up. It’s so important to deal with the hurt whether self-inflicted or not. It’s okay to say, I feel hurt, I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel abandoned, I feel empty, I feel _____. I think that is where the masks come in–they are your armor to hide the negative things you feel inside. By disconnecting emotionally from others and putting on a facade, it would probably cause you to feel emotionally disconnected from people–even people you would consider close to you. I would think more than anything you want to really connect and feel love. Love is what I believe makes us real–agape love. This is one of my favorite children’s stories and no matter what you believe, it has a great message–remember to let the stars and dots fall off to be a free spirit.


    I think I speak for the majority when I say we want your blog to continue no matter what happens. We value what you have to share. In life you’ve got to have a little wiggle room. If/when a person gets off track, you just have to get back on as soon as possible without veering too far from the middle. Maybe Unmaskd can just be your nickname when your life starts coming together. Have a good day!

    Like

    • Me says:

      I don’t believe I have ever heard the story of Punchinello. I really appreciate it. Thank you. And yes, “patterns” are key, and there are so many different kinds of them: behavior, thoughts, emotions, even carriage and and how we move.

      Like

      • Sunshine says:

        You’re welcome–I’m glad you liked it too. Give more detail on your take of patterns being key (if you care to).

        Like

    • Me says:

      Going out, right now, but later, I’d be happy to share a little more on my thoughts about “patterns”. They’re everywhere.

      Like

      • Me says:

        You know, Sunshine, I’ve decided sharing my experiences with patterns makes me feel awkward. Let’s just say this whole notion of patterns is an integral part of who I am. I will say this about balance, however…it’s dynamic. It moves. It is not static. The minute balance becomes “set”, it’s not balance anymore.

        Like

      • Sunshine says:

        I wouldn’t want you to feel awkward sharing–I just love learning. With balance, sounds like maybe you’re referring to qigong? I completely agree that balance cannot be “set”…I would have defined it as constant instead of regular because the body automatically constantly continues to work toward homeostasis but we consciously cannot do that in our lives but can strive toward it.

        Like

  11. You know what? The biggest way we lie to ourselves and others is by making judgements. Every time you judge yourself you are lying to yourself. (Which is an irony as it is the opposite of what you are probably saying in what is written above?)

    When we make judgements like …I am a coward… I procrastinate etc… we are lying to ourselves… WHY? its the same point I made above really ~ We are perfect Infinite beings… full of creativity and possibility. It is the jugements which block our flow and expression of this. Take these out of the frame and you will effortless achieve everything!!

    Like

  12. Sunshine says:

    Clarification in first paragraph:
    When I say measure ourselves against others in a society I am referring to the unspoken rules of right/wrong behavior within a group or society. Your internal gauge (for lack of a more fitting word) is telling you it’s not okay to continue living the way you have been so you are seeking a solution to the problem (i.e., peace, happiness, contentment, etc.) so that your future will not repeat your past.

    Like

  13. Pippi short socks says:

    While I admire your willingness to expose yourself to some degree, you know this has been an exercise in narcissism, with predominantly female responses telling you how great you are. You started with a lie, and I think you end with a lie. You preached to the eager fans as if you had achieved some higher perspective when in fact you just needed the praise and attention and audience for whatever you were thinking about or pretending to be. But bottom line, you were just trying to convince yourself, creating a new persona that you hoped you could eventually become.

    Not to bring back the dreaded John Mayer name, but you both share an awfully lot in common.

    Ween yourself off of this unmasked deal and live your life.

    I think you owe it to your fans to unmask yourself. But even more, I think you owe it to yourself. Be honest for once. You say you want to be that strong person–well, settle up the score, deal with the responses, and move on. I guarantee you will feel better.

    Like

  14. dancergypsy says:

    I’d like to politely share my thoughts in regards to your comments, Pippi. I understand this is, for all practical purposes, an open platform- that’s the beauty of what has been created here. I do not claim to be an expert on Unmaskd, but I find it a bit narrow-minded to perceive what he has been here, to be solely an “exercise in narcissism”, or for him to “preach to the eager fans” with a notion he is superior or hungry for attention. This could be true or not. The reality is, none of us know ANYTHING for fact, and it really shouldn’t be necessary. 😉

    It seems to me that your understanding of Unmaskd is a direct result of your understanding of yourself and humanity, but not perhaps what is entirely true. After all, people who follow Unmaskd are here by choice. It is of our own free-will to be here as it is likewise his. Therefore, he has absolutely no obligation to any of us as Unmaskd, or whoever he chooses to be. He does not have to return, ever, just as you and I do not. That is his business. Just because he decided to be Unmaskd does not suddenly tie him to anything or anyone. There was no contract of terms in the creation of this idea, except no bullshit. In fact, I highly suspect this all turned out to be something entirely unintentional.

    In truth, we are all liars by some degree. I find it interesting that I arrived on the scene with that very thought in mind. This subject has made full-circle. Is lying good or bad? What exactly are lies? While I detest lies, I am convinced and continuously discovering that so much of humanity is knitted together with them whether intentional or not. It is not our duty to make accusations, but to simply to live with awareness. I guarantee there is truth in fiction. 🙂

    And John Mayer has something in common with many of us; we are humans trying to live.

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