Unlocked

It took me a while to write this post. Over a month, to be exact. Yet, it is still a September 28th post, since all of it stems from my annual self-reflection exercise. It just took longer than usual for the conclusions to take shape. And shape they took…

One of the posts I wrote in the early days of this blog was The Lock and The Key. In fact, it was the first post that started the chain of “what makes me tick?” musings leading up to the one I’m writing now. Reading that seven-year-old post today feels a bit odd. Not because I cannot relate to its message any longer (I certainly can and do), but because of how confused that message seems. It’s a cry of a man who is lost in the dark and is trying to find his way to the door, not knowing where that door will lead or how he ended up in that darkness in the first place. It sounds miserable. And yet that’s exactly how I felt back then. Lost. Utterly confused by an inexplicable conflict between being obsessed with arrogantly bold aspirations and not doing enough to go after them. Searching for answers and finding phantoms of them at best. All the while leading a life that on the surface appeared solid, measured and devoid of any drama.

I did not plan to write that post, yet another one quickly followed. Than another. And as I was diving deeper and deeper and bringing back strange artifacts of my confused mind, a picture was emerging. A rather dark picture. Frustration, anger, shame, self-loathing were all making their way to this site, finally resulting in a no more! cry that replaced an active blog with an annually extended archive. None of that was healthy. Yet, bringing it all to the surface was necessary. Because that was a part of the process that led me to where I am today. And today I am in a much better place than the one I was in seven years ago. In more than one aspect.

In retrospect, I see how most, if not all of my posts over these seven years have been marking a progression. A path. First from confusion to anger, then to multiple rushed and quickly failed attempts to improve the situation, then to far more patient efforts to understand my predicament before trying to change it, and then finally to gradual and, for the most part, successful changes. They are not just posts, they are mileposts of what I’ve been calling my lonely journey. Lonely – because everyone has to take that journey alone, no matter how much support others may provide. Just like physical mileposts, each one does not amount to much on its own, yet gains a meaning in the context of a long road. And now as I look back, all these mileposts light up, tracing the contour of a road. My road. Not the straightest one. Certainly not the smartest. And yet at every turn – mine. Even the stupidest decisions and the weakest moments of that road are mine, and I would not trade them for all the smart choices and moments of strength of others.

So, a road, yes. But a road to where? Well, if your starting point is confusion then your goal must be clarity. And curiously, the direction from confusion to clarity was already set in that very first lock-and-key post. I did not see that back then, but I can see clearly now that it was anything but random. The question I was asking so desperately in that post was based on a wrong premise, but it was still a step toward the right destination. The premise that was so wrong, was the idea that unlocking whatever you feel inside yourself takes some single act of awakening. It is not. And hanging my hopes on that single mystical act was one of my biggest mistakes. When it comes to life there are no before and after states separated by a bright wall of awakening. There is only the state of growth. Or lack thereof. Seven years of soul searching led me to something I knew all along. Something we all know as kids. Only then most of us forget. Just like I did…

If there is one thing that universally defines childhood it is learning. Learning new things every day. That’s what we all do even before we become capable of realizing this. We learn. Not only about the surrounding world. But about ourselves. About what we can do. Learning to crawl. To walk. To comprehend words. To speak. To read. To ride that bike. And through all this – discovering what we are made of. Unlocking what’s inside. In those days we live in a constant state of pushing out the boundaries of our comfort zone. We do this out of necessity, but also for that thrill of adventure every child is familiar with. Sometimes it’s even hard to tell which one it is. But whatever the reason, every time we push the boundaries of the comfort zone, our life becomes richer. Maybe in just one tiny bit, but richer. All of a sudden we can do more. And yes, sometimes we end up with a scratched face or a broken arm. But while adults tending to us grumble how stupid it was to attempt that stupid thing, we quietly know that it was worth it. Totally. And so we keep pushing. Learning. Unlocking.

But then slowly yet inevitably adulthood takes over. By that time our comfort zone is vast enough to allow us spending days, weeks and months without ever running into its boundaries. It is so roomy that it doesn’t even feel limiting. And so we don’t bother touching those boundaries, let alone pushing them. There is enough space to spend our days in comfort, or at least without additional self-initiated hassle. Days that eventually add up to a life. There is just that strange nagging feeling of something being amiss. But a movie or a book or a game easily make that feeling go away. Plus, we’re busy enough with our jobs, families, everyday problems and well deserved downtime to even wonder about it. The pushing of boundaries still happens occasionally but in a very controlled way, far from the wild ride of childhood. Get a new job, move to a new neighborhood, visit a new place, learn a new video game. Evidently, this is enough for quite a few. It has not been enough for me. And interestingly enough, seven years ago is more or less when I stopped pushing my boundaries. At least, in the way I had been pushing them until that point. Prior to that I had been simply plowing forward – and not giving all the shoulda-woulda-coulda much thought. Within a year after stopping I was writing that should-I-unlock-it post, wondering what’s wrong with me.

That’s why I was looking for that door, for that key. I wasn’t just stuck. I was stuck in my own comfort zone. Which after a while can become very, very suffocating, no matter how roomy it is. In fact, a roomy comfort zone speaks about years spent expanding it. Slowing down means stopping the expansion process — and the results can be devastating. Because expansion of the comfort zone is not a luxury — it’s a necessity. At least, for me.

Why a necessity? Because everything that makes my life truly meaningful, everything that defines me can be traced back to some moment of getting out of my comfort zone. Writing that story, stepping into that gym, learning to play that guitar, kissing that girl. Whatever it is, there was a point where I had a choice of staying comfortable or doing something that in some way felt intimidating. And I can only imagine what my life would have looked like had I chosen to stay in comfort on those occasions. It would have been one constant misery with nothing worthy to show for.

I’m writing these words on a plane. This post was sitting unfinished in my drafts folder for over a month. Something was keeping me from finishing it. That something was taking different shapes. A mile-long to-do list. A constant lack of sleep. An interesting conversation. A book. Or in case of today’s flight, a movie. I could have watched another one. In fact, I had already started. But it just didn’t feel right. And writing these words instead does.

I don’t know where stepping out of my comfort zone will take me. But I do know that staying inside one for long is not the way I want to live. Because the moments of pushing my boundaries is where the magic happens. Magic that keeps fueling life between those moments. And so now, seven years later, I know that it is indeed all about unlocking what’s inside. But not once. Not twice. Not even a dozen times. It’s a way to live. Just like it used to be. Just like it is now.

A Better Path

Every time I head into my annual thinking session I have an idea of what I want to think about. And every time I end up thinking about something else. But as I go over my notes, that something else always turns out to be exactly the topic that has been in some way on my mind for months. And that topic always a continuation of the chain that by now has spanned quite a few years. This year was no exception. Just like the last year, my mind wandered off to an unplanned territory, only to come back with conclusions that made the puzzle more complete.

Two years ago I said that I have figured out the intricate building blocks of the puzzle that I had been facing for years every time I would take a hard look at my life. I talked about living every moment as the ultimate goal, willpower and procrastination being two sides of the same token and self-respect as the cornerstone of happiness. Every single conclusion I reached back then is still correct. Yet, something has been missing from the picture. Something fundamental. Last year’s No Limits idea ventured into that territory, but did not go deep enough. Yes, breaking through one’s limits is extremely important. Yes, earning self-respect is a must. Yes, truly living every moment is the goal. But what is the cause of the eternal inner struggle? Why is there a fight going on inside me, to begin with? Who am I struggling against? I can declare (and rightfully so) procrastination to be rooted in fear, but where does this fear come from? Those and dozens of similar questions remained unanswered.

Until now.

I don’t know how scientific what is about to follow is. I have no formal education in psychology and, despite a decent number of good books, I have recently read on the subject, I’m far from being an expert. I don’t even have a goal of becoming one. I’m only concerned with figuring out what makes me tick and applying that knowledge to reach that elusive, yet very real, state of true living. Scientifically sound or not, my conclusions are based on my observations of my own actions, thoughts and behaviors. As long as they offer plausible explanations and don’t contradict facts, that’s all I need.

So here’s my newest theory or rather, the newest state of my multi-year “what makes me tick?” journey. This is a distilled summary of it, since there’s too much content to cram into a single post. If you have been following my blog, you know that I’ve been puzzled for years by some questions. I’ve just listed some of them, but there are more. Why, despite having strong abilities, I so often slip into the swamp of procrastination instead of putting them to use? Why do I even have to face the absurd idea of wasting time on something pointless instead of doing what I think needs to be done? Why, being a free man in a free country, am I so obsessed with a concept of liberation and awakening? Liberation from what? What are those bursts of life that I experience from time to time, that make my regular existence look like a gray shadow of what living my life can be? And so on and so forth.

At some point, I came to the conclusion that the struggle was imaginary. My mind, I reasoned, just deals with multiple options and tends to choose those that offer instant gratification. Piece of cake. Could be ended with a single decisive resolution. Several hundreds resolutions later I was still finding myself staring into the dark luring surface of the procrastination swamp way too often. As it turned out, the struggle has been very real. Snapping my fingers, no matter, how resolutely won’t end it.  But the conditions causing it can be healed — once they are understood.

We are born wired for freedom. That freedom is expressed in two aspects. One, our ability to imagine anything. Two, our ability to choose to go after anything we imagine. Our ideas may be wrong, our choices may be horrible, but we do have those two innate abilities that are cornerstones of our day-to-day existence.

And so we imagine and choose, and act. And when I think about things I like to do and things I want to accomplish, the most logical step in the world is, as Nike likes to remind us, just do it. But I don’t always follow that clean logic and when I do, it often involves a great deal of that inexplicable inner struggle. However, it wasn’t always like this. There was time, not too long ago, when I was getting some very noteworthy things done, things that made me proud and prompted me to set even more ambitious goals. And that gradual change is the key to understanding what happened.

Despite the convenience of perceiving my mind as a single entity, what I call I is, in reality, a thin layer of consciousness on top of a deep ocean of subconscious. The scientists have been debating for years what exactly subconscious is and even how to call it (unconscious is considered a more accurate term these days), but there is no denying the simple fact that the vast majority of our brain activity happens without any discernible involvement of I. Be it processing of millions of signals from my sensory organs, driving a car or instantaneous translation of written text into mental images, my brain is always busy with myriad of things that I’m not aware of. And that part of my mind by its very definition operates without direct control of my conscious. It has its own priorities and constantly uses them to make decisions. It leads a very busy life, trying to protect me from real and imaginary dangers and get me through my day unharmed, and, preferably, fed. And it is neither fully aware, nor particularity interested in the goals and ambitions of my consciousness. It probably views the conscious as a spoiled child who can afford to play with his toys, thanks to the safety provided by a busy adult.

My subconscious learns and evolves throughout my life, just like my conscious does. But unlike its conscious counterpart, which may decide to hurl myself down a steep ski trail or get into a fight for a cause it considers worthy, subconscious does not get excited by a challenge. What it cares about is protection and maintenance. And if it senses danger in the path chosen by the conscious, it is not inclined to cooperate — unless it has been conditioned to accept that kind of a path. On its own, it always chooses the path of least resistance. Yet, it can be trained, condition and directed. This is where my mistake has been all these years.

At some point, the gap between by conscious and subconscious started to grow. And instead of working with my subconscious and training it to trust the judgement of my conscious, I began to fight it. Concerned about my well-being, it began fighting back — and winning. Every time my conscious, tired of fighting,  would look away, the subconscious, left on its own, would find a way to get me busy with safe, easy and even mildly pleasurable activities. As a result, over time it has been taken over my day to day existence. Occasionally, my conscious would wake up, thinking about the goals it has wanted to achieve, scream in horror at the sight of the ticking clock and lack of progress, and try to go after its goals — only to face the growing resistance of my subconscious that over years has become accustomed to full freedom.

Then, my conscious would spent countless days in futile attempts to overcome the power of my subconscious and its growing control of my actions and thoughts. What’s worse, the conscious, frustrated by the meager results of its attempts, has been understandably harsh in its judgement, creating over time a very strong feeling of dissatisfaction with myself. And that’s where a vicious cycle got formed. The dissatisfaction was being fed into the subconscious regularly, which eventually has internalized it, turning it into an even deeper feeling of guilt and unworthiness that eventually started to permeate my entire existence. And, as a cherry on the top, my subconscious learned to dismiss the goals set by my conscious. From its point of view, those goals were bringing nothing but trouble. The conditioning took place, but it was negative. No wonder that my life has become such a mess.

This is exactly what that endless struggle of two souls has been all about. It’s been one, rather confused, soul in a constant and futile fight with itself. My consciousness against my subconscious. This path path has been a road to ever deepening misery.

But there is another path. I used to be on it, without understanding, years ago. The path of positive conditioning. The path of consistent conscious efforts that turn into robust and powerful subconscious patterns. The path that relies on and reinforces a virtuous cycle instead of a vicious one. It is fairly easy to get on that path. And — despite what years of negative experience are screaming to me now — it shouldn’t be too hard to stay on it. After all, my subconscious is eager to work together, especially now that I understand the nature of that struggle. How do I know? Well, every rhymed verse I’ve ever written has been a product of joint work of my conscious and subconscious. And had it not been on board, I would not have concluded Two Souls with these lines five years ago:

No Limits

It’s been another year. Ten minutes after writing this sentence I found myself looking for a smooth way to continue. When you post once a year, it’s easy to focus on eloquent salutations. But that’s not why I’m here. The reason I keep coming back, now for the fifth year in a row, is to share things I have realized. For me, a key part of life is discovery of what it actually means to live, and these posts, regardless of their frequency, are mileposts on that road. And as it happens, since the last post I’ve come quite a distance. So hello everyone, hope everything is well, and let’s cut straight to the chase. This post is going to be long enough already.

The puzzle I wrote about last year is still there. In fact, it has evolved significantly. More pieces have been identified and placed into their right spots. But on the way something unexpected has happened — the puzzle has grown in complexity. It felt like exploring a solid object and suddenly discovering that it’s made of molecules, which in turn are made of atoms, which in turn are made of particles. While realization like this means more exploration, it also leads to re-evaluation of some pieces. What looked for years like a monolithic unit suddenly becomes a fluffy imaginary concept. Take limits for example.

The title of this post sounds a line straight from that 90s techno song. It has to be a metaphor, right? Our life is full of limits. We experience them every day. They are everywhere. We are limited in many, many ways, whether we like it or not. Or are we?

First of all, what’s a limit? There are multiple definitions, but the most basic one, to quote Oxfod Dictionary, is “a point or level beyond which something does not or may not extend or pass”. When we think or talk about our life, that something is our thoughts and actions. We refer to a limit to outline their possible range, to draw a border between we consider possible and what we believe is outside our reach. I’m too tired to work on this, I think I’ve just reached my limit… I won’t able to run that fast, that would be really beyond my limit… I have to stay realistic, I know my limits… We think and say phrases like this all the time. In fact, more often than not we don’t even bother articulating the existence of a limit — we simply know it’s there. And why shouldn’t we? Aren’t we indeed limited? We can’t outrace a train, can’t move a 10-ton rock and certainly can’t breath underwater. Yes, it’s possible to push our limits, but there’s a limit on how we can push them.

So what’s wrong with this picture? Everything. As always, the devil is hiding in the fine print.

Let’s start with the obvious: this is not about physical limits. Actually, I would argue that even physical limits are only convenient mental models, but there is no way to do this convincingly without turning this post into a five-page essay, delving into psychology, physics and philosophy (and believe me, I’ve tried — this is the fifth time I’m re-writing this text). So for the purposes of this post, let’s put physical limits aside, at least for now, and take a closer look at things that exist inside our mind.

Consider a limit that we all so well familiar with: speed limit. It’s posted wherever we drive and it’s rather specific. Yet, doesn’t pass a simple test against the dictionary definition. True, any speed limit sign speaks of a specific point. But we all know that we can go faster than it and in fact, many of us do. Going beyond it can bring some benefits (getting faster to our destination) and quite a few potential problems, ranging from minor (a ticket) to major (injury or death). So we choose not to go faster than that number, or at least exceed it without speeding like a car on a NASCAR track. But should we choose to, we can go faster, much faster, actually. Moreover, police and ambulance do it routinely. Same can be said about most points we mentally mark as limits: they prompt us to slow down, to stay below a certain level. But they don’t really mark a border beyond which we physically cannot go.

Now let’s leave the physical world for a moment and dive into something more abstract. Imagine an infinite plane, like the one they use in math books and on covers of SciFi magazines. It is unlimited, isn’t it? It stretches from infinity to infinity, after all. True. But only as long as you look at two dimensions. Its thickness is as limited as something can be — it’s plain zero. When it comes to the third dimension, an infinite plane is more limited than a sheet of paper. And yet when we think of it, we think of what makes it infinite, not limited.

Same applies to our lives. Limited as we appear to be in our physical characteristics — including the number of moments we get to live — we are truly, literally limitless when it comes to the ways to apply our capabilities. We can set an infinite number of goals, find an infinite number of way to spend our moments and consider infinite range of options when making a choice. We can be limitless — if we choose to. But most of the time we don’t. We set mental lines not to be crossed, not even to be approached — and call them our limits. Yet whatever we are limiting with these boundaries, they exists only in our mind. Moreover, these internal limits rarely even approach the true extent of our physical or mental capabilities.

We are all born free. Weak, vulnerable, helpless, but free. At that point we are not aware of consequences of our actions — and of ourselves, for that matter — and as such we cannot restrict them. It’s a very strange freedom, freedom of complete ignorance, and it doesn’t mean much because true freedom implies purposeful action. But in that state we don’t limit ourselves — just ask any parent.

As we grow up, we discover things we like and dislike. We learn to desire the former and to avoid the latter. And in order to avoid everything unpleasant, we begin reducing the extent of our actions and even thoughts. We have to. Otherwise we’d be falling off balconies and sticking our hands into fireplaces all the time. And so we create mental lines not to be crossed and internalize some of them to the degree that they become fully subconscious.

Many of these limits are necessary, since they keep us and others safe. They are also good for channeling our efforts to achieve a better outcome (more about this in another post). But many — way too many — limits are created out of different shades of fear and guilt. We want to avoid risk, potential humiliation, physical harm, frustration, rejection. Be it public speaking, learning a new skill, changing a job, asking out someone we like, taking on a challenging task, moving to a new town, standing up to a bully or expressing ourselves honestly, so often we choose to play it safe. And we do it over and over, and over again. What makes these choices fully justified to ourselves? Our own creations. Limits.

Yet unlike laws of physics they exist only in our imagination. Gravity is real. Our limit in defying it is not. That’s why people have walked the Moon and why we can enjoy close up pictures of Pluto. A limit is a boundary beyond which we think we cannot go in a chosen action. But actions are only means to accomplishing goals. And if you look at it this way, most of our so called limits disappear immediately. Or rather, they become irrelevant. You can actually outrace a train — if you get on a plane (though some try using their legs for that). You can move a 10-ton rock — all it takes is a bulldozer (or a clever use of levers). And yes, you can breath underwater — it’s called scuba diving. This all sounds like a no brainer, but how often have you hit a “limit” just because you thought of an action and not of the desired outcome?

And just like the zero-thick infinite surface we can be limitless. We’d still have to deal with laws of physics, biology and social norms. But they should only determine our options, not prevent us from accomplishing our goals. Because the alternative to being limitless is to be limited — in a few or in many ways. This is how most of us spend our lives. Bound by mental uncrossable lines, created by our imagination or learned from others. Giving up when we think we can’t go further, without realizing that there are more ways to achieve the goal. Or worse, not even trying because there is a dark wall looming somewhere down the road. And so we make limits real by not trying to go beyond or around them. Yet, they are not a real unless we make them to. That’s how I used to live. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Not only there is a way to feel limitless — there’s is a way to be limitless.

And the most important part of it is that as great as it sounds, becoming limitless is not the ultimate goal. It is only a step. A step into a state that makes everything else possible. It’s a foundation of life as it can be. As it should be. It is only the beginning.

Solving the Puzzle

A year has passed. At this point, I should be adopting this phrase as my standard opening for every Unmaskd post. Years after its beginning, the Unmaskd adventure continues to surprise me by taking unexpected turns and leading me to places I hadn’t expected to go when I started it. A once-a-year blog is one of them. This time I’m going to skip the long talk about traditions. It’s all here, in my posts. 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010… Now it’s time for the 2014 one.

It’s hard to squeeze everything I have learned and realized over the last year into a short post, so I’ll focus on the highlights. The biggest one is this: the problem has been solved. I mean it. All these questions I’ve been pondering about on this blog… How can I start living my life without regrets? Why do I procrastinate? How do I take control of my life? What is awakening and is it possible? The life looked like a pile of jigsaw puzzle pieces, some shining, some dark, some hazy, but all clearly meant to fit together and all hopelessly disjointed.

And accompanying that puzzle there was a feeling — not even a feeling — a strong conviction that I had for years. A conviction that there was another, better way to live. Not in terms of being more accomplished, or being “better” as defined by external moral principles, but simply a better way to experience every moment. A different state of consciousness, perception and self-awareness. A state, where every moment is meaningful and every action is purposeful. And comparing to that state, a regular day-to-day existence seemed like walking through a thick fog, pierced by very rare rays of bright light. It was not about reaching any sort of religious epiphany or finding nirvana — in fact, that alert, active state seemed like something directly opposite to it. It seemed so luring, yet unreal and thus unachievable.

Well, the pieces of puzzle are no longer disjointed. The irritating, nagging questions are gone, replaced by crisp and clear answers. And the puzzle, while incomplete, has taken shape.

Here are some pieces:

The goal is to live every moment of my life. To be in that alert state of consciousness that makes the usual state of mind seem like a fog. That state is the goal.

Accomplishments are means to that end. Increasingly challenging and fulfilling, they are necessary to achieve the goal.

Self-respect is my evaluation of my commitment to the goal, as expressed through my thoughts and actions. It can be only earned and it cannot be faked.

Willpower is a byproduct of my commitment to the goal. Contrary to the common interpretation, it’s not the ability to make myself do things. All attempts to exercise willpower just for the sake of “being in control” are pointless, painful, often unsuccessful and always frustrating.

Procrastination is an act of intentionally dumbing myself down to avoid making a choice or committing to my decision. It’s an act of giving in to fear. It’s a true act of cowardice. Willpower and procrastination are two sides of the same coin, with self-respect being the coin’s value.

There are more pieces — some already in the puzzle, some waiting to be picked up, explored and placed in the right spot. But the puzzle is solved — and it was worth every minute, day and year spent on solving it.

No Regrets

When I said last September that I was going into a self-imposed hiatus I wasn’t planning on turning unmaskd.com into a one-post-per-year site. Alas, that seems to be its present fate. If I keep going at that rate for another year or two, this site will be qualified for a honorary mention in The Guinness Book of World Records as a the least frequently updated blog that still gets some reads.

It remains to be seen whether we’ll get there, but at this point I’m not back yet. Not in full swing anyway. But I’m still around and I’m stopping by today for my annual September 28 post and just to say hi to everyone I’ve missed in the last twelve months. Traditions have any meaning only when they are followed and I’ve come to like mine. In fact, I became so attached to it that this year most of thinking I did on that day was about the tradition itself. I was trying to understand what made me look so eagerly to this day during the year. After all, pondering about one’s life doesn’t have to be limited to a specific date. In fact, in my case it isn’t.

And so, as I was trying to figure out why my anticipation of that day had felt like an equal mix of irritation and excitement, it occurred to me it had become a mix of the past and the future. A day to look at the things that I have done and the things I’m hoping to do. The screw-ups and the hopes of doing better next time. The pride of an accomplishment and the resolve to keep on going. It has turned into a day when despite every moment of weakness I still know I have strength. The day of a simple question: did I get the most out of these twelve months of my life? And so far, every time the honest answer to that simple question has been a deafening resounding NO. Just like it was this year.

But this time there was also something else. That endless struggle, that never-ending fight with the Sloth… what exactly was it all about? It had always seemed like an unavoidable side effect of a human nature, something fully recognized and immortalized by many philosophies and religions around the world. And yet, it’s just plain dumb. Fighting myself over control means that I have conflicting life goals. But I don’t. I really really don’t. There’s no conflict between a shining noble goal and instant gratification, between an ambitious objective and the Demon of Procrastination. Because — despite the poetic beauty of the double-soul concept — there’s just one person. One soul. One mind. And that mind is I. And there’s stuff I want to accomplish, that I want to experience, that I want to do. And if I choose to do something else… well apparently that’s what matters to me.

So at the end, it all comes down to being absolutely clear about what you really want. Those few things — maybe even one thing — that truly matter to you. It could be going after that dream. Or being with your family. Or making a ton of money. Or finding your soul mate. Or riding a bike like a pro. Or all of the above. But whatever these things are, they are the only ones worth living for. Really. They don’t have to sound noble or grand. You don’t need to justify them to others, in fact, to anyone. Even to yourself. You only need to be sure they are the things you truly want. Because they are the things that make you tick. And that ticking is your life.

And once you find those things, just fill your life with them. Sure, you’ll have to spend some time doing stuff you don’t like doing. We all do. But as long as you can fill your time — even one minute of it — with things of your choice don’t fill them with junk, no matter how shiny or easy or satisfying or grand it looks. And that’s the whole secret to living your life with no regrets. Because if you think about it, filling your life by choice with things that don’t matter to you is sheer insanity.

So where does this all leave me? Doing the things that matter to me. As much as I can. As long as I can.

Goodbye — For Now

Thank you all for your words of support after my last post — they mean a lot to me. They really do.

I have failed. Which means I have either not tried hard enough or am incapable of being who I want to be. In the first case, I’ll be back. In the second case, this is the last Unmaskd post. When it comes to my identity, Unmaskd has become my most honest expression of myself. I don’t want to betray everything it means to me. Under my other masks, I have an option of living (or rather wasting) my life as someone weak, while pretending that I am strong. I don’t have this option as Unmaskd.

I know what living truly means. It is so much more than breathing and eating, doing work and being entertained. Living your life is so much more. And once you’ve lived a single moment like this you cannot go back, without lying to yourself.

As Unmaskd I’m not going to be weak. I’ll either be strong — or won’t be at all. Running away from yourself is not a way to live. It’s a way to exist. And Unmaskd is all about living.

I hope this is not a farewell. But if it is, please do know that this has been one of the most exciting adventures of my life.

Yours,

Unmaskd: It All Ends/Starts Here

This is going to be a strange post, even by Unmaskd’s standards. It will cause some disillusionment. It will cause some confusion. And yet it is necessary.

I have found myself in a tight spot, though majority of people would not see anything dramatic about my present circumstances. Even I can easily imagine a much worse situation than the one I’m currently in. It does not involve health, crimes, poverty or tragedy. It simply involves wasting moment by moment my life — and being unable to change anything about it. The worst part of being in this situation is knowing fully well that it is a direct result of the decisions I’ve been taking very consistently throughout my life, starting with teenage years. The hole where I’m finding myself in is a very logical outcome of these decisions, and it’s amazing that it took to so long to get where I’ve gotten.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been consistently disconnecting my self-declared values from my actions. I’ve been believing in courage, while behaving like a complete coward on many occasions. I’ve been a strong believer in doing what’s right — and consistently taking the path of least resistance. I’ve been certain that I have a free will — and yet acting like a dysfunctional robot, wasting hours and days procrastinating over simplest challenges. I’m a solid case of the most pathetic sort of liar — one who successfully lies to himself.

But what I’ve been good at is putting on masks. Yes, there have been many of them. I’ve been good at pretending someone I’m not. An expert, a brave man, someone with strong values, a success story, a self-respecting man. The list goes on and on. But no matter how well I played these roles, I’ve been a fake for the most part of my life. A fake through and through — and knowing it.

Now I’m simply reaping the rewards of my consistency. Yes, I’ve done some things I’m proud of. Yes, I have some accomplishments behind me that are worth pointing at and saying “I did this and it’s good.” But these rare examples only show how much I’m capable of. Capable to create — and yet incapable to make real. Yes, I have reasons for not doing more than I’ve done. Good, solid reasons. But they are only excuses. I know I didn’t do my best. I know that I didn’t go for it with everything I’ve got. Heck, I didn’t go for it with half of what I’ve got. I know that I’ve been a coward.

Trying and failing is tiring, but manageable. I could live with this. But it’s being a fake that I’m ultimately tired of. Fake and weak. You get used to living with regrets about your past. You can’t get used to living with regrets about your future.

Ever since I became Unmaskd I’ve had a single rule: no bullshit. I don’t lie in posts in any way, shape or form, even though sometimes it’s so tempting. And yet this picture is still deceptive. It only shows my strength. It doesn’t show my weakness. And I’m not going to let it become another fake mask. I have enough of those. From this point on Unmaskd exists only as long as I’m capable of being the best I can be. The moment I willingly take the path of least resistance Unmaskd will cease to exist. This is my promise to myself and to all of you.

I’ve been lying to myself my entire life. It’s time to get real.

Waking Up in a New World

Imagine this situation. A man wakes up in a world he knows nothing about. It’s full of objects he’s never seen before. It’s full of people he’s never met before.

He doesn’t speak the language they speak. In fact, he doesn’t even understand the very basic concepts they rely upon. He knows nothing about their society, history or traditions. He is completely socially handicapped and wouldn’t survive in their world without help for more than a day. For some reason, he also faces enormous physical challenges. He is much, much weaker than people surrounding him. He can hardly move. He can hardly see. He can’t speak a word even when he tries imitating others. He’s completely at their mercy.

And on top of all that he knows nothing about his past. He has no idea where came from. He doesn’t know his own name. He is clueless of who he really is. He has no past and his future is completely uncertain.

Luckily for him, the people surrounding him are nice. They feed him. They keep him warm. They help him become stronger. They also teach him their language, introduce him to the basics of their society, and make him feel more at home. They even give him a new name.

Days go by, and he becomes more and more accustomed to living in their world. Eventually he starts thinking about it as his own world. Occasionally he still wonders who he really is, how he ended up in their world and what his purpose in life had been. But the world around him keeps him busy. There’s so much to learn to become a fully functional member in that extremely complex society. So many things, customs and traditions to understand. So many facts to memorize. So many tiny goals to accomplish. And eventually he stops wondering about his real identity. He’s happy with the one his new world has given to him. He’s just too busy to wonder about things like this. And so he gives up without even realizing this. His happiness is no longer about finding out his real purpose or who he really is. It’s about succeeding in the world he lives in.

It could have been a plot for a sci-fi novel. But it isn’t. This is the story of everyone of us. You. Me. Countless others.

Whether it’s sad or happy, it’s up to you to decide.

The Trick of Alternation

Nothing worthy can be achieved overnight. There’s a long road to walk. And to walk that road you need fuel. Something to keep you brain and soul committed. A good option is obsession — it’ll get you far. Unfortunately you can be obsessed over anything only for so long. At some point obsession wears off. That’s how our brains are wired — we seek novelty. On the other hand, pure cold logic won’t get you far either. It lacks fire. It lacks passion. It’s simply too cold too keep you going for too long.

The trick is in the alternation. Set your eyes on the goal. Be sure it’s the right one. Make sure you have passion — better yet feel that you’re obsessed. Then go. But once you feel that your passion is no longer as strong as it used to be, let your cold logic kick in. Forget emotions. Just go. Just keep going, step after step, mile after mile, even if you’re completely numb. And then, as you get closer and closer to your goal, your passion will come back. Your cold calculated monotonous movement toward the goal will get you to the results that will refuel your obsession — and it will come back ten time stronger.

Alternation. Has it ever worked for you?

A Tale of One Bet

This is probably going to be the most cryptic of my posts so far, and coming from someone who calls himself Unmaskd, that’s saying a lot. But I want to capture and share the feelings of this moment, and for better or for worse, this blog has become my best outlet for this part of my consciousness.

Exactly 365 days from now a bet will come to fruition. It’s a strange bet, made over twenty years ago between two best friends. One friend has likely forgotten it by now. The second friend has never let it go, for it has been very dear to his heart. Despite that, throughout the years he has barely acted on winning it. Instead, he’s been alternating between powerful efforts with impressive results, half-ass attempts and long stretches of well-camouflaged procrastination.

Getting closer and closer to the date that he’d set himself back in his childhood, he realized that unless he does something drastic about it, he going to fall flat on his not so childish face. And so, in the last attempt to win that bet, he made another one — this time with himself. That other bet was simple, pretty much black and white, with no room left for self-deception.

And then strange things started happening. Things that typically happen in lousy written Hallmark channel made-for-TV movies. All of a sudden, his past started coming alive, mixing with his present and shaping his future. People he had not seen in years started popping up unexpectedly in his life, reminding him about his old successes and stirring memories of his decades old aspirations. His friends started reminding him about his ambitions — without having a slightest idea what he had been driving himself through. And goals he almost had given up on started to look real.

And on top everything else, the idea of his own mortality — something he had been always well aware of — suddenly sunk in, bringing in sadness, but also filling every moment of his life with meaning and clarity. Life remained the same on the surface, and yet had changed completely.

And all the masks he had been wearing started merging into one…

Biting the Bullet and Facing the Music

Life is full of tough choices. Some are tough to make. Others are tough to live with. But the hardest ones are those that we avoid making — sometimes for years. You keep dancing around a choice like this, pretending it’s not there, but deep in your heart you are fully aware of its existence. And one day you realize that unless your stop the lulling music and face that hard, bloody painful choice, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what would’ve been like to make it. You know that once you make this choice, there will be no way back. You’ll be walking down the path leading you to the truth — and that truth may turn out to be truly ugly. But not facing it means living your life a coward. And such a life isn’t worth much, no matter how shiny it may look to others.

I’ve been dancing around a choice like this for my entire adult life. Now my time is running out. It’s always been, but now it has gotten to the point where not making the choice means giving up. So I’m making it. There’s no way back. There’s just a path to walk. And at the end of it lies the truth. Whether ugly or beautiful, it is there and I’ll see it pretty soon.

I’m going to be busier than I’ve ever been, so I’ll be out for a while. So I wanted to stop by and tell everyone who cares that I haven’t forgotten about any of you. I appreciate all the messages you’ve sent to me while I was out and all the kind words you’ve said. This means a lot to me. And I’m stopping by to say “later”, not to bid farewell. I don’t know when is “later” is going to be, but I plan to be back.

I can only smile at all the fresh rumors and speculations related to my identity. People claiming to know who I am, don’t understand the irony of their claims. I, myself, don’t know who I am. But I’m about to find out. It’s so much easier to live believing you’re a genius who failed to realize his potential, than knowing that you are simply a mediocrity with groundless aspirations. But I’d rather die knowing that I gave it all and failed, than spend my life living a sweet comforting lie.

Make It Or Break It

When a year ago I posted my letter from a swamp, many of my readers assured me that procrastination is a very natural thing. You know, some of them said, maybe there’s a good reason for it. Maybe you actually need it. Back then I didn’t agree with that point of view, finding it too convenient and relaxing. But today, a year later, it seems rather attractive. Because seeing it this way would mean that I’ve just done something natural, maybe even necessary, as opposed to just wasting a couple of hours of my life. It would also mean that I didn’t shy away from a challenge, which is what it suspiciously feels like.

About a month ago I set a pretty challenging goal for myself. I was generous and gave myself plenty of time to accomplish it. The deadline is September, 28th — a date that means a lot to me. The goal came with a twist. It was set as a “make it or break it” deal, meaning that if I fail to accomplish it by the deadline, I would never accomplish it. While the deadline was somewhat arbitrary, the “make it or break it” part wasn’t. In the past I’ve made deals like this with myself and the only reason they really worked was that down to the bottom of my heart I knew that it was serious. But this time I maybe a bit over my head. As I get closer and closer to the deadline, it becomes harder and harder to fight the “natural” and “needed” procrastination.

My guess is that by succumbing to it, I’m subconsciously trying to avoid a failure. There would be a internal excuse that would leave some room for “hey, I could’ve done it, had I not been weak” reasoning. But deep inside I know better. Just a few days from now I will either accomplish that goal — or fail. Whether I fail because I’m not capable enough or because I’m not strong enough, the reason won’t matter. A failure will be a failure, no matter how I choose to decorate it. The only thing that matters is the result.

Stay tuned…

Awakening

Life is a series of realizations, and this blog has turned into a place of documenting mine. Today I’ve realized something new. It’s another old truth that all of a sudden has started making sense…

For a while — at least for 10 years — I’ve been waiting for a moment that for the lack of a better term I’ve been calling Awakening. It’s a moment when everything will become crystal clear. When I will no longer doubt my life’s purpose. When sticking to any decision will be as easy as making it. When every moment of my life will become rich beyond imagination. I’ve never known how — and if — I would ever get to that state, but I’ve never doubted that it getting there is possible. So I’ve been searching for ways to get there, going through some false awakenings, experiencing some glimpses of bright clarity only to realize later that it wasn’t it. I’ve learned to use every failure as a stepping stone and to treat every experience as a part of my path. But today I realized something that changes the whole notion of Awakening.

Awakening is not possible, at least not in a way I’ve been imagining it. Life will never be easy. Sticking to a decision will never be effortless. Doubts about my goals in life will never go away. I will always be the same searching, questioning, doubting human. But what I can get is strength. Strength to stick to my decisions, strength to face — and live with — every choice I make, strength to fully embrace the constant uncertainty that we call life. And that strength — like any strength — can’t be obtained in a moment. It can’t be obtained without an effort. It has to be built. Built with every choice, with every action, day after day, year after year.

And maybe, just maybe, this realization in itself is the closest thing to Awakening that I will ever experience.

Your Life Is Your Most Important Legacy

I wouldn’t even pick up a book like this, yet sometimes I find myself right in the middle of this dull boring story. And every time I have to remind myself that I’m not only its protagonist. I’m it’s author. Not the publisher. Not the reader. The writer. The one, who day after day creates this story called My Life. And while factors beyond my control may prevent me from writing it, when do I write, I am in charge. And this story that I create line by line, page by page will be only legacy. And I wish so much I could erase some pages — or even chapters — but alas, they are written in stone.

But at least I can make the coming pages better. After all, if I don’t make them better, no one ever will. This is my story.

Stepping Through the Looking-Glass

[tweetmeme source= “unmaskd” only_single=false]I have a thing for a good opening line. No matter what I write, I want to grab attention of my reader in first 10 words. But this time I don’t want to be fancy. This time I want to start with simple words:

Thank you!

Thank you everyone who took time to post a comment, to tweet, to send a DM on this topic. My previous post, unlike most others, was way more applicable to me than to anyone else. We all can relate to a procrastination tale, but pondering over “to blog or not to blog” decision is certainly less common. So thank you for sharing your thoughts.

The decision has been made. I’m sticking around. At least for some time. There will be a new home for the Unmaskd journey, and although at the beginning it will look very similar to this one, over time the difference will start showing up. Ironically, many people misunderstood the whole point of “going big”, which I can attribute only to my cryptic way of expressing my thoughts. It’ll all make sense at some point. But to be clear, I have no intention or even desire to be a motivational self-help guru. This is all about a journey. My journey.

This process has started years ago for me, and yet it would always bring more frustration than satisfaction. I would take a step forward only to follow it with two quick steps backward. I would try a bunch of approaches to find my inner strength only to let it slip through my fingers a week later. I would fail more often than succeed. This is no longer the case.

Over the last few months I did more for “becoming one” than I’ve done in my life. Moreover, the depth and density of the effort I went through over the last week is more than anything I’ve done. It feels different. The results are different. My view of the world is different. I know. I’ve been through too many fake awakenings. But you always know the difference between dreaming and reality (no matter what Inception tries to tell us). This time it’s real. I’ve gone through the looking-glass I peered into for years. And the timing is not random at all. Talking about this openly as Unmask has been a major factor in this process. In fact, it the single most important factor. I didn’t expect this to happen, but it did, and now I can only wonder if this is what I was  shooting for subconsciously when I went to Twitter sign up page and typed Unmaskd.

As important as the last few months have been, this is just another stage. The journey is only to become more intense, more fulfilling. So I’m not giving up on my umaskd writings. I need it. But since I’m doing this anyway, I think my impact could be bigger.

I can’t say yet how soon this blog will migrate to its new home. I’m going to be very busy over the next months with a couple of projects, so it may take a week or a month. But it will happen sooner or later. This by far is not my major project, but I’ll be investing enough time into it to make it meaningful.

And let me finish with the same totally unoriginal line. Thank you. I’ll see you around.

Unmaskd at the Crossroads

[tweetmeme source= “unmaskd” only_single=false]Time flies and it always flies a bit too fast. It’s hard to believe, but it’s been over 6 months, since I first tweeted as Unmaskd. This journey has come to a crossroads, and today I’d like to shed some light on Unmaskd’s origins and the dilemma I’m facing.

Once upon a time… No, that sounds too much like a certain fairy tale. The reality was simple. Unmaskd account on Twitter was born in 10 min, from the idea to the the first cry i.e. tweet. There was no meticulous planning, no agenda, no deliberate considerations. Like many things, it came out of a moment of frustration. I don’t even remember what it was, but something made me go “Man, do I wish I could always say what’s on my mind!” You know what I mean, right? Expressing yourself without thinking twice, without trying to impress, without considering consequences. Expressing yourself openly with no regrets. And then it hit me: I actually can! Five minutes later the first Unmaskd tweet went out to the twitteverse.

Then there was my Twitter “bio”. Those of you who remember these days, asked me more than once why I changed it later. The thing is, my original Twitter bio (while true) was intentionally worded to draw attention. I needed audience. You don’t need Twitter to speak to yourself. Later it became more of an inconvenience and so I changed it. Speaking of bios, I also want to bring some clarity into my “celebrity” claim to end certain speculations once and for all. Let me be crystal clear: I am not a A-list celeb. Neither I am a lying through my teeth wannabe, as some people have boldly suggested. According to this research paper, I’m in “C” category. If you google my name you get about 90,000 hits. Hardly Paris Hilton. I know that some people are still following me, secretly hoping that I’m John Mayer or Jim Carrey or Joaquin Phoenix, but I am none of these guys. Really. Oh, and while we’re on the subject of gender I’m a guy (which all of my regular readers have already figured somehow). There’s a small chance you’ve seen my picture or read an interview with me, or are familiar with my works, but you certainly have never seen me mingling with the Oscar crowd. Identity issue covered. Check. Back to the Unmaskd journey.

At first it was just about blurting out whatever came to mind. Talking to strangers, joking, replying to fascinating ID tweets and so on. It was fun. For about a week or two. Than it became boring. I was about to let go the whole unmaskdness and then an interesting thing happened. Surprisingly to myself, I started talking about things I really cared about. As it turned out, it wasn’t just about speaking my mind. It was about speaking my mind on topics that truly meant something for me. And in my case those were subjects like self-discovery, self-motivation, inspiration, imagination, mind, fully realizing my potential, taking responsibility for my choices and actions. Notice the focus on “self”. As I’ve mentioned a few times, I don’t aspire to be the next Tony Robbins. I have enough of a hard time motivating myself. But apparently, sharing some of this soul searching, and frustrations with my own weakness, and some kick-my-own-lazy-ass moments was helpful for others. And so I kept unmasking, sharing more and more, and getting to know some of my readers better than I know some people I talk to every day.

Then there was poetry (or “rhymed musings” as I call it, since poetry is too eloquent of a word to describe the songs I come up with). I’ve never had such a broad audience for my poetry before, and hearing all the feedback was very rewarding. My readers and their words are the only reason these rhymed musings came into existence. I don’t think this would have ever happened had I tried going the traditional find-a-poetry-magazine route or dropped my verses at one of the online poetic forums (which I have to admit I’ve never been to and likely never will be).

Then there were Q&As ranging from deep to odd, posters, tumblings, and even a video. As you can see, the Unmaskd stint was going well. Yet being the guy I am, it wasn’t enough. It still isn’t. The way I way approach many things in life is “go big or go home”. Some would call it ambition, others would say it’s arrogance, but to me it’s a reflection of a simple fact that my clock is ticking. Over time, my Unmaskd identity has become too small. I still enjoy sharing my thoughts and discussing them with my readers (and there are a few dozen unwritten posts roaming my mind), but my life is already on several fast tracks. Adding another one is not really an option unless it replaces some other things I’m doing during 19 hours that I’m awake on an average day.

So here’s my dilemma: I either “go home” (i.e. stop my Unmaskd activities altogether) or go big. And I mean BIG. I’m not talking money (though it’d be nice). I’m not talking number or followers on Twitter (though it wouldn’t hurt). I’m talking about impact. People keep telling me that my thoughts, ideas and values, as well their conversations with other readers are helping them. If that’s the case, I don’t see why it should be limited to 1000 people on Twitter and a few hundred blog subscribers. How about a million or two? Yes, I’m serious. More importantly, it’s not just about my thoughts. It’s about growing that community we have created — quite unexpectedly — around this blog, and taking it to a completely different level. When I sent out “What should be the name of Unmaskd site” poll it wasn’t about dropping “wordpress” from my blog’s URL. It was about creating a place where people who want to grow, to be better at whatever they choose to focus on, to do what they believe they were meant to do, can connect. Where everyone can go unmaskd and perhaps, just like I did, get surprised by the results.

That would be a major commitment on my part and I don’t like leaving things half-done. I’m simply not good at going half-way. So that’s my dilemma. I don’t know yet which road I will ultimately take. But I’ll make the call pretty soon and will stick to it. At the very beginning of the Unmaskd journey I said my only promise was “no bullshit”. That’s why you’re reading this post. And that’s why you will know once I decide one way or another.

A Letter From a Swamp

[tweetmeme source= “unmaskd” only_single=false]

As I have recently mentioned in my rather spontaneous Tumblr post, my approach to everything in life can be described in three simple words: Feel. Think. Do. I’ve also mentioned that occasionally I skip a step or two before getting to  step 3. Which is why I’m writing this post. At first, I felt like writing it, and without giving it much of a thought, jumped to the final step. Then the thinking part of me woke up and yelled, Whoa!! Are you nuts?? And so the writing process got stopped before it had a chance to begin.

Why? Because unlike other posts it wasn’t going to paint a pretty picture of me. Pretty ugly, maybe, but certainly not pretty. I’m hardly a narcissist, but usuallyI prefer to project an image of someone strong, smart and decisive. This post would do exactly the opposite. So I almost decided to label the whole idea as stupid, when it suddenly hit me. Wait a second, I thought, have I just turned writing as Unmaskd into a PR exercise? Have I just decided not to write a post just because it would make me look bad? The very point of going Unmaskd was to be completely open. Plus, something useful may come out of it. Actually, that’s I wanted to write it in the first place. So here I am, writing this post.

We are all familiar with the dreaded P-word. Procrastination is like sex: even if you have never had it, you have heard about it. So let me share another secret of mine: when it comes to procrastination, I’m not an expert. I’m The Expert. There are so many people who would procrastinate over little things, clean up their desks frantically every time they need to write something simple, postpone chores and do other stuff like that. Amateurs. The real procrastinator is above these petty attempts. I can go on for weeks or months plowing through unpleasant tasks like a bulldozer. The real procrastination is about something else. It’s about hitting the bottom. And a rock bottom it is. I can go on for a very long time. But then one day, one moment I face something I just don’t want to do. It could be the same task I’ve done before, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I just don’t feel like doing it. And then it happens. All it takes is a single moment of weakness. A single let-me-do-this-thing-first action. And the next moment I’m gliding down the slippery path to hell.

One by one useless accomplishments fill the time. They take the same time it would’ve taken me to accomplish that task I didn’t feel like doing. Then they take more. Then much more. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is with every minute I feel my will being taking away from me. It’s like watching sand flowing down the hourglass hole. I can feel it. That sensation is almost physical. It’s almost like feeling your brain being slowly wrapped in soft cotton wool. Round and round. Layer by layer. Until even thinking itself becomes a serious effort. And I although I know I can stop this, in fact I really can’t. It just goes on and on, leaving me with less and less willpower.

Of course, as it happens I’m still functioning. Of course, I can have a conversation and I appear to others just like my normal self. But deep inside I know that my will is almost gone. There’s just small part of it left somewhere in a dark corner of my brain, while it goes on its autopilot. And I let it go. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes for days. And I tell you, I hate these moments.

You already know when happens next. Yes, I find strength to stop this. I always find enough will to get me out of that mental swamp. And I get out it, and I accomplish that stupid task that had sent me into that procrasti-state, and I do whatever I decide to do. Once I hit the bottom and I actually jump pretty high out of the water. But I know that one day, it will hit me again.

The saddest part of all this is that once I find strength to fight off the p-bug, I am really good at whatever I do. I accomplish things that are pretty much off limits for many less fortunate people. And people look at my accomplishments and go, “Wow! This is great, how did you do that?” But I’m hardly proud. I know that had it not been for these moments I could have accomplished things that would make whole world go “Wow!” I’ve known this for a fact since I was a kid. But this doesn’t change anything. Because one way or another I always find way to that swamp. It’s like trying to become the running champion of the world while having concrete blocks chained to your feet.

So that’s my procrastination story. Now if you excuse me I have to get back to a little task I have to accomplish…

Oh, and one last thing. In case you have ever experienced procrastination yourself, here’s a question for you. A question that probably will send an icy chill down your spine, especially if you really think about. When you find yourself procrastinating it’s not you anymore who controls your actions. Right? At least it’s not your consciousness, not what you associate yourself with. Yet, you still take some actions.

So if it’s not you who is in control, then who is it?

A Lie, a Truth and a Used Car

[tweetmeme source= “unmaskd” only_single=false]Remember the advice I gave some of you? Be yourself. Yes, that one. You’ve heard it before. You’ve heard is so many times it has become boring. It’s a motto, a cliche, a tagline. It is also a shameless lie. A beautiful lie.

And here’s the truth. Ugly and dirty as usual. You are ALWAYS yourself. It is so nice, so comforting to think that it’s not really you who’s not rising up to the challenge. It is not really you who just was a coward. It is not really you who is talentless, boring, dumb, ugly… whatever it is that you don’t like about yourself. The real you is so much better. The real you just has to wait to show the real beauty or talent or courage. It’s this world around you that you have to fit into, these people who push you around, these circumstances, these wrong choices, these motives, these obligations… But the true you, the real you is going to show ‘em all one day. Because it’s all there, inside. Right? Wrong.

It Is Always You.

Unless you are a victim of war, crime, natural disaster or illness, you’ve got no one else to blame. It is always you. The real you. So when people tell you to be yourself tell them to shut up. Yes, that includes me. You’re always yourself, whether you like it or not — whether you believe it or not. We are who we are, and we either have what it takes to be that better version of ourselves we like to imagine, or not.

So at any point at time either do things you can be proud of — or accept the full responsibility for being a jerk, a coward, an idiot or whatever it is you dont’t like about your behavior and its results. And if you don’t have strength to be better, to improve… well it’s also you. The forever weak you. You don’t have to like the fact, but that doesn’t change anything.

Yet, there’s a catch. Imagine that you’re driving an old car. You’ve been driving it for years. It’s beaten, it’s not a looker, it needs oil change badly. But if you’ve never taken it above 60 you just don’t know how fast it can go. And you may never find out that all along the engine was capable of going way beyond 200… More often then not there are things we just don’t know about ourselves.

The Lock and The Key

The story of my life is a story of an endless struggle. It’s a story of victories and defeats, ups and downs, aspirations and crushed dreams. It’s a story of a quest for willpower. An endless, hopeless quest. Being human is hard if you want to live your life and not merely exist. It’s even harder if you believe in the core of your soul that you have a unique gift. And it’s even harder when day after day, week after week, year after year you realize that you may not have enough inner strength to unlock that gift and use it. You feel like a man who holds in his hands a box with a treasure, but has neither the key nor strength required to search for it. And you hear the clock ticking…

And you keep wasting time until one day you realize that maybe it’s too late. Has this day come? Not yet. But it’s getting closer and closer. There’s a choice to be made. To look for the key or let it go. But what if it’s nothing but delusion? What if there’s nothing inside that box? Just dust and old papers. What if you spend your life trying to unlock what’s not worth unlocking? Then again, what if you turn away just as you about to open it and find a real gem? There’s a choice to be made. The choice that sets your life on a course and your mind on a goal.

The choice has been made. Until that box is unlocked there’s only one path. There’s only one goal. The key.